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Literature Text
I heard your voice echoing down the corridor. I traced its resonant depths through pillared shadows and its rising tones through sun-speckled motes that danced in patterns predetermined by gravity and nature's laws.
A quadrille perhaps?
I'd danced one once with you, your hands cold even through the layered lace of a chiffon gown. You'd whispered my name then, the syllables strident against my tympanum but so low that they spoke only of the closeness of you.
I heard your voice on the corridor. I could not see you. I thought you might have hidden around the corner. Except when I looked no one was there. Just bare faced red brick, held in straight lines by crumbling mortar. You'd held me against plaster once. The paint had clumped artistically in dripping formations that gouged my skin and left red indents long after you had kissed me.
I don't remember the taste, or scent, or breath of you. I do remember the plaster. As white as Grecian pillars in photographs, freshly scrubbed with soda for tourist brochures.
I heard your voice echoing on the corridor. This afternoon, when the Autumn Sun sent out reminders of the days demise in shades of jaundiced time. Your voice faded too briefly, and you were gone again. A remembrance of times when we delighted in the vagaries of life. Searching for the lower limits of existence, reveling in imagined hedonism, yet striving for something more.
You'd sought it with the constancy of gravity. As inevitable as those dust speckled motes that fall now in memory of your voice. As I once fell and you.
Sharp addictions spear the mind, the same way nails pierce walls to hold pictures hung in galleries. Beauty and aesthetics are hard taskmasters, cruel in the demands they inflict. We strived for such perfection of visions, you and I. We crafted philosophies of love, and built bouquets of words, richly scented, to entice the luminous mind. All we attracted were aphids and moths. Crawling destitute forms of vulgarity and consumption. We did not realise the feasts we had layed was too rich, too diverse.
It decomposed.
Phrases blacken into idiomatic cliche, clauses separate stem from stem until words are reduced to unscented petals tinged with the ochre of age. Syllables by some miracle ascend and vowels drift into nauseous vapour.
We breathed it all you and I.
Now all I hear is the movement of the breeze through the white pear, that grows alongside the corridor. Its boughs burdened by a heavy harvest.
A quadrille perhaps?
I'd danced one once with you, your hands cold even through the layered lace of a chiffon gown. You'd whispered my name then, the syllables strident against my tympanum but so low that they spoke only of the closeness of you.
I heard your voice on the corridor. I could not see you. I thought you might have hidden around the corner. Except when I looked no one was there. Just bare faced red brick, held in straight lines by crumbling mortar. You'd held me against plaster once. The paint had clumped artistically in dripping formations that gouged my skin and left red indents long after you had kissed me.
I don't remember the taste, or scent, or breath of you. I do remember the plaster. As white as Grecian pillars in photographs, freshly scrubbed with soda for tourist brochures.
I heard your voice echoing on the corridor. This afternoon, when the Autumn Sun sent out reminders of the days demise in shades of jaundiced time. Your voice faded too briefly, and you were gone again. A remembrance of times when we delighted in the vagaries of life. Searching for the lower limits of existence, reveling in imagined hedonism, yet striving for something more.
You'd sought it with the constancy of gravity. As inevitable as those dust speckled motes that fall now in memory of your voice. As I once fell and you.
Sharp addictions spear the mind, the same way nails pierce walls to hold pictures hung in galleries. Beauty and aesthetics are hard taskmasters, cruel in the demands they inflict. We strived for such perfection of visions, you and I. We crafted philosophies of love, and built bouquets of words, richly scented, to entice the luminous mind. All we attracted were aphids and moths. Crawling destitute forms of vulgarity and consumption. We did not realise the feasts we had layed was too rich, too diverse.
It decomposed.
Phrases blacken into idiomatic cliche, clauses separate stem from stem until words are reduced to unscented petals tinged with the ochre of age. Syllables by some miracle ascend and vowels drift into nauseous vapour.
We breathed it all you and I.
Now all I hear is the movement of the breeze through the white pear, that grows alongside the corridor. Its boughs burdened by a heavy harvest.
Literature
6-4-14
We stay at a hotel in the middle of somewhere-nowhere, Illinois, small-town-almost-no-town-at-all. If you trek a half-mile in that direction you'll find a sort of main street. Most of the shop buildings are for rent, storefronts stand empty and dark, ceilings inside collapsed, some species of scattered lesser temples, innumerable ages ago discarded.
I walk long miles by night or day down empty railroad tracks, the tracks of passing writers, painters, engineers, coal, hydrochloric acid, freight. The rail guards riding last cars wave in passing and leave me on my way. Gravel and porous fossil-like cement rocks crunch at every step.
Peop
Literature
10: Untitled
When did all old men become my father? I watch his stooping, shambling gate. Not long for this world, that one. It’s a mercy, when you think about it.
The plastic grocery bag bumps against his shin.
Someone worse than me could always come along.
It doesn’t take long.
The grocery bag has half a soda bottle of dirty water, some tins of fruit cocktail and a small, plastic alpaca. I toss the water and keep the rest.
There’s still more work to be done.
Literature
Ranger's Revenge 03 - Marfa System
"...but you're a Ranger. That's law enforcement! There are rules for law enforcement, you can't..."
Lena interrupted the blobish Octopodan bartender by dragging him up by one of his lesser tentacles. "This is a raylight-knife. It'll cut through flesh and bone like butter. As you have no skeleton..."
She demonstrated, slicing its thin lesser tentacle clean off. A trickle of blue blood from the wound stained Lena's tunic.
"You crazy BITCH!" the Octopodan howled. "I'll have your BADGE! you crazy..."
"The Jr. Ranger textbook says Octopodan tentacles grow back, you whiner."
"ONLY WHEN WE'RE LIVING IN WATER!"
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Critique for is here comments.deviantart.com/1/5687…
Feedback:
1.) Are the devices used for cohesion effective or repetitive?
2.) Did the descriptions evoke any emotions or only imagery?
3.) Any further ideas of your own regarding themes, grammar or whatever response suits you!
Feedback:
1.) Are the devices used for cohesion effective or repetitive?
2.) Did the descriptions evoke any emotions or only imagery?
3.) Any further ideas of your own regarding themes, grammar or whatever response suits you!
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Comments4
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I think someone already said it but, typo: the days' demise or day's demise, but there needs to be an apostrophe in there somewhere.
Also, I think there's a formatting issue where some paragraphs are broken by one line, and some by two and have a space. I personally prefer the latter. It looks strange to me to have the lines that close together without indentations at the beginning of new thoughts or paragraphs. (though I know DA is shit for formatting).
End of the third paragraph - 'the feast we had layed' should be 'lain'.
Crawling destitute forms of vulgarity and consumption. <--- this line i found to be heavy handed and too much. There's already a lot of poetic description in that paragraph, and this for me tipped it over the edge. I'm not even sure you need to explain the aphids and moths, we know what they do. But if you would like to still describe them, I recommend scaling it back.
ok positive stuff:
Someone else said they didn't like the combination of 'danced one once' but I like it, it's alliterative and I think it works.
The imagery is strong, I got a real sense of the dress and dance, and then the plaster, and my own conjured memories of a mid autumn afternoon.
I think the repetition device works very well, it keeps the story contained and i like how it self references.
I'd danced one once with you, your hands cold even through the layered lace of a chiffon gown. You'd whispered my name then, the syllables strident against my tympanum but so low that they spoke only of the closeness of you. <--- loved this line.
Also it almost seems to move through seasons, or am I reading that wrong? I imagine it starts in spring and moves into the end of autumn for the tree to be ready to drop fruit. If I'm reading that correctly, I like that idea as well, how it mirrors the relationship moving through its seasons too.
Also, I think there's a formatting issue where some paragraphs are broken by one line, and some by two and have a space. I personally prefer the latter. It looks strange to me to have the lines that close together without indentations at the beginning of new thoughts or paragraphs. (though I know DA is shit for formatting).
End of the third paragraph - 'the feast we had layed' should be 'lain'.
Crawling destitute forms of vulgarity and consumption. <--- this line i found to be heavy handed and too much. There's already a lot of poetic description in that paragraph, and this for me tipped it over the edge. I'm not even sure you need to explain the aphids and moths, we know what they do. But if you would like to still describe them, I recommend scaling it back.
ok positive stuff:
Someone else said they didn't like the combination of 'danced one once' but I like it, it's alliterative and I think it works.
The imagery is strong, I got a real sense of the dress and dance, and then the plaster, and my own conjured memories of a mid autumn afternoon.
I think the repetition device works very well, it keeps the story contained and i like how it self references.
I'd danced one once with you, your hands cold even through the layered lace of a chiffon gown. You'd whispered my name then, the syllables strident against my tympanum but so low that they spoke only of the closeness of you. <--- loved this line.
Also it almost seems to move through seasons, or am I reading that wrong? I imagine it starts in spring and moves into the end of autumn for the tree to be ready to drop fruit. If I'm reading that correctly, I like that idea as well, how it mirrors the relationship moving through its seasons too.